I hate myself saying "I hate myself"

(This article is NOT meant for those so-called "perfect humans". This article is for all those imperfect people like myself)

"I hate myself !!!" one of my close friends exclaimed with exasperation. Silently laughing, I mused to myself "Here she goes again !!!".

Somehow, someday we end up in the same muck as her. It's no different from lots of my other friends. Infact, even I go through the same feeling that am a worthless piece of crap. Of all the relationships in the world, we are least forgiving on ourselves. We treat ourselves with a stern iron hand. We keep reminding ourselves of our past and all the pitfalls we've gone through. We have low self-esteem and feel unworthy of receiving love. We keep labelling ourselves as the "worst failures in the whole world".  

We are raised on comparison. Marks, grades, status, achievements, mobiles, backpacks, shoes, belts, tube tops, every damn thing is compared with others. What matters more to us is to be better than others than to better than our former selves. Not the other way around.  We get the latest gizmos from the market to flaunt our status with least regard to our parents' financial troubles. We NEED matching pink earrings, pink hairclips, pink lipstick, pink nailpolish, pink shoes and pink belts for our pink dress. We bother about the time we got mocked at on stage and swear to never go onstage again. We remember our zeros in our exams and proudly say that "well, stupid maths isn't my cup of tea." We remember the last time we screwed up while speaking to the opposite gender and then put on a brave "Well, I have no interest in love" face. We curse God for creating us with lesser talents and throw swearwords at Him and when the situation doesn't change, we hurl even more abuses and declare ourselves as "atheists". 

We keep searching for a best mate or a romantic partner just to fill the emptiness within. If someone has a little more talent than we do, we feel inadequate. Our "ego" cap is always on top of our heads. We indulge in self-criticism as normally as drinking a glass of water. 

We create fake masks to wear, proclaim to be celebrities, look for cheap publicity and engage in false laughter just to called a "great socialite". We feed our 'need-to-be-noticed' dog. We keep thinking about things out of our control, and eat the pill of worry for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We trust other people, but, we don't trust ourselves. We forgive others, but, we don't forgive ourselves. We are truthful to others, but, we aren't truthful to ourselves. We find time for our friends and all those 'important' phone calls that we get. But, we don't find time for ourselves. We don't find time to become fit, we don't indulge in meditation, we don't care about the food that we eat and the time that we go to sleep. We stay up all day replying to our friends' messages, we dont value our own time. We have forgotten the beauties of nature and we rack our minds trying to remember the last time we watched the sunrise, noticed a beautiful dew drop on a flower petal, got wet in the rain or walked barefoot in the beach all by ourselves. 

We feel it is the end of the world if there is an extra freckle on our face, or, if our 'spiked' hair isn't spiked anymore. We compare ourselves with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and declare to the world that we aren't even an ounce beautiful or handsome. We try all sorts of creams and make-up to make-up our minds.

We lie to ourselves. We convince our minds to postpone things for tomorrow saying it won't make a difference. We create false hopes within, we resolutely persuade ourselves that the "end of the world" is tomorrow and then close our books and play on the computer. We don't remember our resolutions after a week, we kill our hopes, our dreams, our destiny. How many of us are actually clear of what we want to do in life ? Have we understood the real purpose of our creation on planet earth ? We dont love ourselves. We never forgive our mistakes nor forget.

Whenever one of our friends come up to us with a problem, we hug our friends and make them feel better. Have we ever hugged ourselves and made us feel better ?

We support others, love them, inspire them, motivate them, make them smile, laugh and be on top of the world. But, what about ourselves ?

The more we love ourselves, the more we will be able to give to others. Let's all look at the mirror every morning and proclaim our love to ourselves. We will drive home the fact that we are all beautiful. We are all handsome. As the old saying goes "Don't think about changing the world without changing yourself first". Let us all change. Let us think about what makes us special. Let us accept ourselves despite all our flaws and imperfections. Enough of all "I love you" statements that we make to our friends. Let us say "I love MYSELF" for once. 

Corruption

It has garnered worldwide interest amongst the youth and elders alike. Suddenly we witness a sea of change. Awakening of the sleeping dragon within each one of us. As we raise slogans and shout ourselves hoarse in the name of anti-corruption, I still wonder whether Indians felt the pang and hurt of corrupt practices only 64 years after independence. Why has there never been such a massive movement to fight evil amongst the countrymen for so many years is beyond me. 

But then, I realised the daunting truth. I could hear my heart's whispers. "We are responsible" it said. For every damn act of corruption in the country, we as Indians are responsible. For every single movement that stirs the demons within corrupt people to "use" us, we are responsible. Not me. Not you. Not him. Not her. Each and everyone. From the multicrore entrepreneur to the beggar on the street. Everyone of us spread corruption. 

It started when our expectant mother bribed the authorities with money to speedily procure a birth certificate for us. It started when we paid ridiculous amounts of money to the pujari for the naming ceremony. It started when our mom and dad played hide-and-seek with us as kids. Lies. "On the moon lives a silver king and a golden queen". Lies. "Tooth fairy rewards you with gifts for every tooth that you lose". Lies. It started when they spoilt us for choice whenever we let out a small wail or a fake tear. It happened when they rewarded us with money for the small things we do. They instilled in us the logic that when we do something, we need to get paid. They instilled in us the logic that when we throw a tantrum, we will be spoilt for choice. "Run and get me milk from the store, take 50 rupees from my purse and keep the change". Small demons of corruption planted unknowingly within each of us.

When we turn youngsters, the wheel doesn't stop. Our parents undergo a "personality test" themselves to ensure our admission. They pay more for a school seat than for that of a college seat. "It's all for our future", we convince ourselves. We need to pay extra for excursions in schools even after an "all-inclusive" fee structure. Do we argue ? Do we complain ? We just let it go and pay the required fee. Why ? Are we scared ? No. Are we not aware ? NO ! Are we just plain lazy ? Hell yeah ! We can never wait for the next show. We NEED to watch it on the first day first show. Hunt for blackticket sellers. 100 rupees more per ticket ? That's WORTH it. I want to watch my favorite hero on the big screen. Endhiran ticket sold for 2000 rupees ? Am game. After all, he's my superstar ! Ticket for a charity event. 50 rupees ? Oops sorry !! I'm out of cash ! Lies. We are fooling ourselves. 

We buy cool drinks from a store for 2 rupees more than the MRP, do we care ? "It's for keeping it 'cool' " they say and we don't give a damn. We need the drink to quench our thirst. End of story. We can't wait to see the God in the temple. Queues ?? Poor people. I have the money. They don't. I will pay 500 extra to get a 'special' darshan. Who cares ? God must be happy. Am his ardent devotee. And I do this for HIM. Ok, not for Him alone, I need a favor from Him, I need more money so that I can get more 'special' darshans. 

100 rupees for an auto ?? Atrocious. "It's drizzling, and petrol rate is high" Ok. Take it then.   Lays sells us a "packet of air with some chips in it" Do we care ? "Atleast those few chips are good" we say. Company X pays me 1000 rupees more than company Y. Great. Let's shift. Are we showing loyalty ? We are corrupting our own minds. 

How many times have we knowingly accepted our own friends or 'distant' family relations into a public service posting instead of another more deserving candidate ? How many times have we run around for recommendations so that our child can get the best seat available in a good college ? How many times have we paid a donation of 5 lakhs to the college of your choice fooling yourself that it is just an "investment for the future" ? How many days have we loitered the entire city so that we would produce a fake community certificate ? Am just from Backward Community, it will hurt my chances. Done. Changed to Most Backward Community. How many times have we accepted 'gifts' from other people knowing fully well that they are just buying you out ? 


We go for private tuitions paying fortunes just because we need grades. We pay through our noses for Levis and Adidas because Indian brands are a laughing stock. We go to flea markets to get pendrives, memory cards, cellphones, cameras and digital players at a lower cost though it is deemed illegal. We think it better to pay 50 rupees to the policeman than pay 750 rupees at a local court for violating traffic rules. We go to the RTO office and pay a certain fee to get the license within 30 minutes instead of the standard long-drawn procedure. We buy sale deeds for houses and pay every tom, dick and harry along the way. 


We pay money to get nominal pensions after retirement, we pay money to get our ration card verified, we pay money to ensure a proper passport. We bribe the authorities to get our homeloans sanctioned, we pay them off to register illegal plots. We pay money to "speed-up" the procedure, we pay money to hoodwink the government of the 'unaccounted' wealth. We pay money to kill a deal, we pay money to build a deal. We pay money for every damn thing we know. We cheat others and we cheat the government, but above all we cheat ourselves. 


When we finally die, our family has to bribe the crematorium guy  to give us a proper pyre. Our family has to bribe the authorities to get us a proper death certificate. We keep paying money for every small act from the time we are born till the time we die. Do we dare to complain ? Or, better still, do we CARE to complain ?? We sure do not ! But, we keep blaming others for indulging in corruption. But, do we ever take a look at ourselves ?

Did we have a choice to NOT do the things we did ? YES. Did we have a choice to NOT pay extra money at schools and colleges ? YES, WE DID. Did we have a choice to NOT to buy blacktickets ? YES, WE DID. Did we have a choice to NOT pay extra money for a cool drink and roadside apples ? YES, WE DID. Did we have a choice to NOT pay extra money for dharshans ? YES, WE DID. Did we have a choice to NOT pay extra money for an auto home ? YES, WE DID. Did we have a choice to NOT pay donations ? YES, WE DID. Did we have a choice to follow the procedures in procuring a license and a sales deed ? YES, WE DID. Did we have a choice to NOT to ever indulge in corrupt activities ? YES, WE DID. Everywhere we go, we have the CHOICE. But, do we take it ? 

We say the politicians are corrupt. We say the entire world is corrupt. Except us. 


We go about hating people, mistrusting them, shitting them, killing their joy, killing their dreams, killing their futures, killing their lives, killing their relationships. But, no, we aren't corrupt.

We go about ripping peace, ripping harmony, ripping pride, ripping honor, ripping hearts. But, no, we aren't corrupt. 

This is a time to NOT look at Anna Hazare as our hero, as a God in disguise. Second Mahatma. The Second Father of the Nation. It just shows how idiotic we are to hero-worship someone as a replacement to the one who fought the might of the British without the aid of numerous media channels, twitter, blogs, facebook, orkut, ads, newspapers, phones. The real hero is not him. It's us. There is NO bill that will ever stop corruption. Ever. Corrupt people will still find a way out to indulge in their devious activities. But, what can stop is our indulgence in those activities. Lokpal is not important. WE are. If each and everyone of us strive for change, WE CAN. And, if we let our hearts beat for India, WE WILL. 

Hazards and Hazare

Anna Hazare is a rockstar. A 74 year old man has the entire nation at his nimble fingertips. Though he ceases to speak after a continuous fast of 8 days(running), he has managed to stir a nation awake from it's 64 year old slumber.

I was abroad the Spice Jet flight recently when it passed over the Marina beach, and I could see the sea down below. But, it was not just the plain blue sea that I saw. There was something more. Infact a lot more. I could see a sea of people flocked together, waving the tricolor, chanting and shouting slogans and though I could not hear them, I could sense their passion and patriotism flow through my veins and from way above the clouds I felt the hair raising sensation of being an Indian.

Contentious though is the Jan Lokpal Bill. Let me try to understand what the government wants and what the country needs. First and foremost, I hated the way Anna Hazare threw a fast without any sense of logic whatsoever. I mean, I might get brickbats for saying this...but, we can't throw a fast and expect a bill to be passed. I understand all the crap about democracy and the freedom of expression talk..! So, if you want a bill passed then gather a group of people, threaten a fast, fast till the doctors pronounce you to be on the verge of death, get the government flummoxed and sweating and blackmail them to pass a bill ? Atrocious. Imagine if tomorrow any youngster takes his cue and makes a big fasting fuss to create publicity ? Freedom of expression must ofcourse be curbed. You can't expect everyone to walk down the street naked just because we are a democratic country.

The ideal way ofcourse was to talk it out, sit down like gentlemen and speak. Ofcourse. It never would have been so easy. But, then who else had to rule the country than the UPA government ? From the frying pan of scams and corruption into the fire of anti-corruption act ! They will all curse Allah and Shiva and Jesus for the soup they are swimming in. So, citing differences with Anna Hazare, they introduce the famous "JokePal" bill that was an overwhelming superhit(notice the tongue in my cheek).

As I see it, the Jan Lokpal and the JokePal have several contentious issues. I disagree with the Prime Minister not coming into the umbrella of the Lokpal wing. Though I understand the logic behind the government thinking that the the PM will have several weighty issues of taking care of the nation than answering to the public scrutiny while in office, including them in the Lokpal purview will make them realise that they are answerable to the 1.2 billion heartbeats of the nation. When taken in the right view and with no hidden agendas whatsoever, it will surely transform the PM into the greatest leader of our beloved country. The leader has to lead by example. He/She has to be the first one to say that they are ready to be scrutinized. If anyone is accountable to the debacles of our motherland, it has to be the PM.

The minimum punishment under the Jan Lokpal is ten years !! So, that means that if a policeman gets 50 rupees for letting you off without imposing a fine, he gets ten years of imprisonment ? Wow ! That's something. The JokePal is more worthy here, it has a window of six months to life imprisonment. If the Lokpal is an independent body without any intervention from the Supreme court, then there will be two parallel bodies of justice in the country. Though it may seem to be the way out, it will lead to more confusions. Lokpal will be an independent body not answerable to any of the judicial courts of justice. Which will mean two High Courts in each state, and two Supreme Courts in the country ?!! Preposterous !!

The government also came up with something along the same lines saying that the CBI and the Lokpal will be independent of each other. That's funny. Who will take care of corruption then ? The CBI or the Lokpal ?? The two anti-corruption bodies must be allowed to merge and work together on common issues.

Anna Hazare also stated that the Jan Lokpal will involve and undertake all complaints against corruption !! So, if a layman gets cheated of 2 rupees while buying a cool drink, he will get the same body to take care of his charges as will a 1.76 lakh crore scam. Imagine the manpower required and the amount of complaints that may come in !! 1.2 billion people...! If just half of the population have just one grievance each...that makes it 60 million !! 60 million grievances to be solved within a one year duration ?? 1.64 lakhs of grievances per day !! Now, it seems gigantic doesn't it ?! And, am only taking HALF the population of our country.

The issue where he undoes himself is the NGOs not coming under the purview of the Lokpal. Everyone of us know how many money laundering NGOs have come under critical review in recent times. Case in point, Satya Sai Baba, Nithyanda, Baba Ramdev's unaccounted millions. If the PM is under the Lokpal umbrella, everyone MUST be under it too. It's ALL or NONE. You can't have two bites of the same apple.

The best way out is to bring the Lokpal into the parliament for discussion and for Anna Hazare to stop his fast. It may all be well and good for us to shout slogans and sings praises of him, which he thoroughly deserves, but, fasting is never the way out of any situation(imagine tomorrow's world...everybody mind end up fasting to pass a bill..) !! Understand me perfectly. Am not against Anna Hazare. Am not supporting the government. I feel proud that the nation is rising against corruption. But, I urge the government to sort the issue out soon. Let's put our thinking caps on and remove our hearts from our sleeves and do something substantial for the future of our country. Jai Hind !!

(I know I will get a lot of brickbats for my view, but then it's the freedom of expression... :D !! Comments welcome !!)